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This Shouldnt Be On Here...

Its weird how life is.. so unpredictable.. so oscillating.
But i guess its not really weird then, is it ? Seeing as how we all know that thats how life is. But i guess its not everyday that we get hit with that pang of feelings.. not everyday that we notice, realise how fast things come and go, how quickly and how often change can occur.

I'd always thought that i knew what i wanted in life. Knew what i liked, what i wanted to have and how to get it, what my beliefs and morals are, what i wanted to do in life (In general of course. Its not like i know everything.), what my aspirations were. But now im not so certain anymore.. now its different. Does that mean that i dont even know myself ? Hah. Or maybe im just an indecisive fuck.

Or maybe im just an unappreciatve idiot who always wants more..

But life has always been so fast paced for me.. its hard to slow down and stop to take a look around and notice whats there.
It seems like i was going so fast that i didnt even had the chance to get to know myself..
Like how when i felt sick and had to lie down on the bed and without even a thought, my hand would simultaneously reached for something solid/stable to hold on to.. i never realised how much i yearn for security.
Or how id always need to sleep with something (or whatever i have then), like a bolster or pillow against my back. Or even with the back against the wall.. i never realised how much i yearn for comfort.

But i guess people can always say that thats just an excuse. Theres nothing that cant be done if you put your heart and mind into it. How could anyone possibly be so busy that they cant even stop to notice their surroundings. So maybe i just thought that theres nothing i could get or wanted if i were to slow down, never thought that seeing all these mundane things would give me anything and thus never felt the need to. Afterall, i had something else in mind and was trying to attain that goal.

Things are different now though. In a way, now i am forced to notice whats around me. But thankfully i like the things that are surrounding me..

I never realised the beauty in simplicity. The beauty of a simple life.
My life was never like that. And i guess you cant really call what i wanted 'a simple life'.

Sitting here, not doing anything and just taking in my surroundings, i guess even though ive been here many times before, tonights the first time that i really took cognizance of everything around me.. How could i have not seen all this before ?

The bicycles, one even with a basket attached to the front, protected from rain in a lil shack typa shelter; wooden blinds to shelter from the blazing sun when the need arises; collection of colorful, whimsical wind chimes, made out of a variety of materials like wood, plastic and even seashells, scattered around the place; potted plants dotted around, some on the ground, some hanging from the top and some placed on tables etc; little decorative bunnies and ducks made out of porcelain/clay placed around the place; smooth grey pebbles lining the walls and round the black pillars; linoleum (I think, haha.) tiles with a flower painted on, covering the drainage hole; gorgeous elegeant garden table and chairs with a vintage looking chess set on top ; ornate wooden shelves to hold shoes and whatnot; dainty figurines of elephants placed on top of those shelves; woven baskets holding little knicknacks and a woven umbrella holder; ornate paintings and even a 'welcome' sign; hanging ornaments like a beautiful bird cage and even a wooden couch, all housed in a white picket fence.

Sure ive seen all these things around, i know its there but ive never ever gave them a thought. Noticing all these made me realise. How could i have not realised it before?

But then again, who actually literally looks at a picket fence and stops to think about it. To ponder or question the meaning of it? Its a bloody fence la ! Its not like its gunna stop and talk to you and you get an epihany. But noticing all these small things did change alot..

Be it the wind chimes, creating a myraid of different yet harmonious and somewhat soothing sound everytime a gust of wind comes by; never really saw how it could really change or set the ambience, making it seem peaceful, let alone putting someone at ease.
Or the 'Welcome'/'Home Sweet Home' sign, making the place feel so inviting and comforting.. and with it, the sense of homeness-ish. Heh.
And even the white picket fence that reminds me of a lil cottage in the woods with birds singing and abimals frolicking about like a scene from a fairytale or whatever. Maybe it sounds dumb but everything just comes together and paints this picture of a simple happy carefree life.

Everything just comes together..
Like your own lil surburban in the midst of this manic conrete jungle.. away from all the bad stuff.
A safe haven.
A simple life.
Happiness.

And now that i know how wonderful a simple life can be, thanks to noticing all these random things, (im damn random. its retarded. ugh. -.-) I want it.
I know me. And me is an idiot who keeps changning her mind. As i was typing, i got a sense of deja vu at certain points. But i think thats only cause i'd prolly felt those things before and if i were to look back at my previous posts, id find similar entries.
But once again, i guess thats just life. Maybe even the beauty of it. Its unpredictabiliality. That you never know what might happen. Afterall, the only constant thing in life is change.

A simple life has never been in my dictionary.. but thats all i want.. even if its just for now.

But am i too late ?
Is it possible that ive been living so differently for so long that im unable to have it or live like that. That ive been so acustome to how i used to live and that my personality/how i am is only suitable for that kind of life.. not the simple one that i want now. That i might even screw it up ?
Cause it seems like it..

Its pathetic when your only outlet is this..

XoXo

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If Only...

Oh you..
Dear you..

If only i can lock you up and keep you safe.

But no. That never happens.

No matter what i do, no matter how hard i try,
they always seem to get to you in the end..

Labels: heart photography, Kittyn, Kittyn-x, kittyn-x.blogspot.com, Kittynx

XoXo

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Friend (frěnd)
n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis:

- the tendency to desire what is best for the other,
- sympathy and empathy,
- honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
- mutual understanding.

Friendship...
Something that is fragile as fuck.

XoXo

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Weeeee ~ nis !

Birthday, Chalet, Clubbing, Lanning, Drinking.
I havent had a rest since god knows when. Hahaha.
Exhuasteeeed.

But uh wells... at least im having fun =)

Shall upload the pictures when i am actually home early. (Dont hold your breath on it though XD)

XoXo

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Slow up, Speed down...

Took the bus this morning to work as usual. And it was weird today.. cause my head wasnt propped against the window like it usually is with my eyes closed.

The sun was scorching & i was perspiring just before i got on the bus. A few stops after and i notice storm clouds slowly engulfing the previously bright sky and the wind bellowing against all. Its actually a pretty common sight for people living in S'pore but for some reason, it caught my attention today, fascinating me.
I couldnt take my eyes off the sight outside and was lost in it pretty much the whole time.. wishing at one point that either the roof of the bus would disappear in an evanescent moment or that i could simply just get off the bus, not turn up for work and walk about, hearing the roar of the fierce yet elegant wind, loose myself in the dark clouds and play with the leaves, dancing to the songs of the wind.

Oh, what i'd give...

I guess the hectic-ness and stress of S'pore's fast paced life and my very own lifestyle is getting to me.
And now all i feel like doing is to just stop and smell the roses.. the strawberries.. the clouds.. the wind.. the rain.. the sun.. anything. Everything.

Halfway through, tiny speckles of raindrops started appearing and i wondered how long itd be before the soft splatter of rain hitting the window turns fast and ferocious. Which brought my attention to something else ; am i gunna get caught in the rain later ? Haha.
But as fast as the thought had drifted in, it drifted out and i remembered something else..

I still remember, albeit the fact that it has become pretty vague, the feeling of rain against my skin.
And that feeling is one that i would never want to or allow myself to forget.

It's weird... Look around and everything seemingly comes in pairs or more. Even during the coldest winter, where the trees are bear, come next season and leaves would start sprouting out again amidst the basking sun.

Everything seems to be intertwined and connected somehow or another.. surviving together.. surviving off each other..

What about humans ?
Can we survive without each other ? Can we really overcome the fear that grips most of us despite our countless efforts to hide it ; loneliness.

I know i for one, need a constant somebody. Be it mentally, emotionally or just physically. And was lucky enough to have found someone who was there for me constantly, without fail. But everything comes with a price and because of that, ive now become overly-dependent on others and when im left alone, i crash.

And because ive been so used to that feeling.. the one of trust and comfort.. of knowing that someone will be there to catch you when you fall.. im constantly searching for it. And because i want it so much, ive subconsciously let my heart cloud my judgement and make wrong choices.

Wrong choices.. just to feel safe again. But it never happens like that. No.

"It feels good knowing that someone is there for you, to catch you when you fall, to help you.. But its a much better feeling, standing on your own two feet"

Hopefully that's true...

XoXo

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Bad, Bad Habits.

So much for sobering up.
I have officially found true love ; ALCO - muthaeffing - HOL.
And clubbing actually... but the both of them kinda come in a package so yeh. HAHA.

But its a very, very bad habit cause i dont even make that much to start with so imagine the amount im spending going through at least a pack of smokes a day, clubbing every other night and drinking everyday.

But gaaawd. It feels sooooo good.
Right now its the ultimate release for me. The only way i know of to just let go and slip into another reality where my problems are so far away from me. Where theres no care in the world and nothing, nothing at all, can touch me. (Cept the pesky pervs that try to dance up on you while you just wanna enjoy yourself. Pfft)

No pictures of me clubbing cause, well..
1. I look horrible when im intoxicated. I turn red really, really easily.
2. Fuck, i am NEVER bringing my $700 camera into a fucking club knowing that im gunna get wasted.

So yeh. Cept that one night with Eve. Luckily she brought a camera so i might steal some of em off her facebook (hopefully) soon. But not the ones of me being totally retarded of course =P

And oukays. The brandy has gotten me tired so its time for me to go listenn to music and relax.
(PS - Saying the word 'relax' is sucha lie. Cause im listening to dance and hard trance and HOW THE FUCK DO YOU RELAX TO THAT. )

XD

Labels: Alcohol, butter factory, clubbing

XoXo

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Vida Loco

Sometimes i sit and wonder...

DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A LIFE LIKE MINE!?!?!
Cause i swear, it is NUTS. (And the fucking largest nuts around at that.)

Even the people around me agree that my life is a lil crazier then the usual. Life is full of highs and lows ; mine, on the other hand, fluctuates between highs and lows beyond what you can imagine and im not even exaggerating.

Thankfully things seem to be alright now. ~~(No, not gunna say that its a high cause i dont wanna jinx it!)~~
And i am so relieved to be outta the slum i was in.
Thanks to all the awesome people who stood by me. I have better friends then all you losers out there -sticks tongue out- XD Muahaha. Joke.

But seriously. I just hadta get this out to the 3 main people around me ;

Nina (butt plug) Saburi

What the hell am i supposed to say to you ? To the person who's been there since my Secondary school days (DETENTION CLASS !!) and now even when im in a totally different environment as you.
What the hell am i supposed to say to the person who actually understands all my complex, paradoxical thoughts and thinkings and the one person who has never given up on me despite ALL my bitching, whining, moaning, screaming, and rudeness even.
Seriously. What the hell am i supposed to say ?

I love you to bits, bitchass x)

Gordon (so not Irish ) Lye

One of the most amazing guys around who through a series of unexpected events became a very good friend.
And Gordy, you have no clue how grateful i am for you even though it hasnt been a long journey. (Or maybe im wrong, and you'd desert me halfway through ! -gasp- !! JOKE XD)
You're a great dude with an even better sense of humour and way of cheering people up. Just remember, how you were there for me, i'd always be there for you =) Be it with 7 different flavour of subway cookies, your favourite coloured macaroon, goodass wine, lazing around, morning calls, screaming to the sea, dancing our butts off or just goofing around.

QI GUAI LAN JIAO STEAM STEAM !! XD

(Last but most certainly not least)
Wayne (asshole) Hendroff

You. You know there is nothing i can say that would even be 1/10 of how i honestly feel. You know that inside. Despite it all. You know that we've always got each other and that nothing can ever change the fact that we were born to stay in each others life.
I love you bestfriend. Through all the stabbing, strangling, bitching, fighting.

But loves also definitely goes out to Zsa, Keith, Anthea, all the other people who showed concern and the people at Acid.

...

(I think im content )
=)

Labels: acid crue, gordon lye, Kittyn-x, Nina Saburi, wayne hendroff

XoXo

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