This Shouldnt Be On Here...
Its weird how life is.. so unpredictable.. so oscillating.
But i guess its not really weird then, is it ? Seeing as how we all know that thats how life is. But i guess its not everyday that we get hit with that pang of feelings.. not everyday that we notice, realise how fast things come and go, how quickly and how often change can occur.
I'd always thought that i knew what i wanted in life. Knew what i liked, what i wanted to have and how to get it, what my beliefs and morals are, what i wanted to do in life (In general of course. Its not like i know everything.), what my aspirations were. But now im not so certain anymore.. now its different. Does that mean that i dont even know myself ? Hah. Or maybe im just an indecisive fuck.
Or maybe im just an unappreciatve idiot who always wants more..
But life has always been so fast paced for me.. its hard to slow down and stop to take a look around and notice whats there.
It seems like i was going so fast that i didnt even had the chance to get to know myself..
Like how when i felt sick and had to lie down on the bed and without even a thought, my hand would simultaneously reached for something solid/stable to hold on to.. i never realised how much i yearn for security.
Or how id always need to sleep with something (or whatever i have then), like a bolster or pillow against my back. Or even with the back against the wall.. i never realised how much i yearn for comfort.
But i guess people can always say that thats just an excuse. Theres nothing that cant be done if you put your heart and mind into it. How could anyone possibly be so busy that they cant even stop to notice their surroundings. So maybe i just thought that theres nothing i could get or wanted if i were to slow down, never thought that seeing all these mundane things would give me anything and thus never felt the need to. Afterall, i had something else in mind and was trying to attain that goal.
Things are different now though. In a way, now i am forced to notice whats around me. But thankfully i like the things that are surrounding me..
I never realised the beauty in simplicity. The beauty of a simple life.
My life was never like that. And i guess you cant really call what i wanted 'a simple life'.
Sitting here, not doing anything and just taking in my surroundings, i guess even though ive been here many times before, tonights the first time that i really took cognizance of everything around me.. How could i have not seen all this before ?
The bicycles, one even with a basket attached to the front, protected from rain in a lil shack typa shelter; wooden blinds to shelter from the blazing sun when the need arises; collection of colorful, whimsical wind chimes, made out of a variety of materials like wood, plastic and even seashells, scattered around the place; potted plants dotted around, some on the ground, some hanging from the top and some placed on tables etc; little decorative bunnies and ducks made out of porcelain/clay placed around the place; smooth grey pebbles lining the walls and round the black pillars; linoleum (I think, haha.) tiles with a flower painted on, covering the drainage hole; gorgeous elegeant garden table and chairs with a vintage looking chess set on top ; ornate wooden shelves to hold shoes and whatnot; dainty figurines of elephants placed on top of those shelves; woven baskets holding little knicknacks and a woven umbrella holder; ornate paintings and even a 'welcome' sign; hanging ornaments like a beautiful bird cage and even a wooden couch, all housed in a white picket fence.
Sure ive seen all these things around, i know its there but ive never ever gave them a thought. Noticing all these made me realise. How could i have not realised it before?
But then again, who actually literally looks at a picket fence and stops to think about it. To ponder or question the meaning of it? Its a bloody fence la ! Its not like its gunna stop and talk to you and you get an epihany. But noticing all these small things did change alot..
Be it the wind chimes, creating a myraid of different yet harmonious and somewhat soothing sound everytime a gust of wind comes by; never really saw how it could really change or set the ambience, making it seem peaceful, let alone putting someone at ease.
Or the 'Welcome'/'Home Sweet Home' sign, making the place feel so inviting and comforting.. and with it, the sense of homeness-ish. Heh.
And even the white picket fence that reminds me of a lil cottage in the woods with birds singing and abimals frolicking about like a scene from a fairytale or whatever. Maybe it sounds dumb but everything just comes together and paints this picture of a simple happy carefree life.
Everything just comes together..
Like your own lil surburban in the midst of this manic conrete jungle.. away from all the bad stuff.
A safe haven.
A simple life.
Happiness.
And now that i know how wonderful a simple life can be, thanks to noticing all these random things, (im damn random. its retarded. ugh. -.-) I want it.
I know me. And me is an idiot who keeps changning her mind. As i was typing, i got a sense of deja vu at certain points. But i think thats only cause i'd prolly felt those things before and if i were to look back at my previous posts, id find similar entries.
But once again, i guess thats just life. Maybe even the beauty of it. Its unpredictabiliality. That you never know what might happen. Afterall, the only constant thing in life is change.
A simple life has never been in my dictionary.. but thats all i want.. even if its just for now.
But am i too late ?
Is it possible that ive been living so differently for so long that im unable to have it or live like that. That ive been so acustome to how i used to live and that my personality/how i am is only suitable for that kind of life.. not the simple one that i want now. That i might even screw it up ?
Cause it seems like it..
Its pathetic when your only outlet is this..
XoXo
